Friday, 12 August 2016

Dear Char
I feel so sad. I'm trying so hard to make it better. I'm sorry if I let you down. I just feel really sad. I try not to think now, I try to think of other things instead and then I feel guilty for it.
I'm trying to do another charity ball again in your memory hope it works out and helps. Then I wonder why I am bothering with all the stress and then I feel guilty again.
I wonder if I should cancel it then I feel guilty again. I feel stressed out and really tired. I miss you.
I wish you could tell me one of your funny jokes again.
I wonder how we came to this ?
I wonder where you are. I am in your bedroom now
I feel happy now in here and I feel safe.
I feel like people don't care anymore they feel like so much time has passed and they don't ask anymore.
We will always care forever and ever and ever
Love you my eldest big boy forever 7 in my heart
Love you x

Dear Char
I feel so sad. I'm trying so hard to make it better. I'm sorry if I let you down. I just feel really sad. I try not to think now, I try to think of other things instead and then I feel guilty.
I'm trying to do another charity ball again in your memory hope it works out and helps. Then I wonder why I am bothering with alltge stress and then I feel guilty again.
I wonder if I should cancel it then I feel guilty again. I feel stressed out and really tired. I miss you.
I wish you could tell me one of your funny jokes again.
I wonder how we came to this ?
I wonder where you are. I am in your bedroom now
I feel happy now in here and I feel safe.
I feel like people don't care anymore they feel like so much time has passed and they don't ask anymore.
We will always care forever and ever and ever
Love you my eldest big boy forever 7 in my heart
Love you x

Friday, 18 March 2016

Dear Charlie, Wednesday was a sad day turned into something special and positive getting that pup will now put a wonderful memory on the same day.
We can try to move on from Zohan but I still miss him.
I miss you every day. I hope you will be proud we are doing another charity ball in your memory. I'd love to cuddle you again.
I hope you know why we have made some changes and understand how hard it has been but you are still here everywhere in our home and always in our hearts. I should have a teenage son next month but you will always be 7 to me. I miss your jokes son.
Love you char x

Friday, 29 January 2016

Dear Charlie,
I feel like everything around me is changing and the things that were yours are disappearing. It makes me feel sad, your drawing on the fridge is fading . We had to say good bye to your dog which was heartbraking. I miss him. Your room has been changed but I want you to know its because we had no choice and needed space. I have kept lots of your clothes, ones that bring me happy and ones that bring sad memories too. I don't want things to fade away.
I have about special boxes of special things of yours.
Your things are still everywhere, pants in the bottom of the laundry basket still.
Medicine still in the fridge with your name on.
I bumped into someone who knew you when you were born the other day and we talked about you and your room and I loved it because people I see alot don't really ask much anymore. I liked someone recognizing everything that has happened.
I want you to know that no matter what happens or where ever I am I love you very much and miss you every day.
Love you Char x

Thursday, 31 December 2015

Hey Charlie,
It's New year's eve. I remember you always used to ask is it happy New year yet ?
I miss you and was just thinking how we have had to adapt to a life without you but every day I wonder.
I feel your absence every day.
I don't really like New year I always used to stay in with you and see in the New year without you
I am a different person since you have been gone and I think it was the day you were diagnosed ini changed. I don't remember the person I was before or when I do it doesn't feel like me.
I  Can describe how I feel like the ocean and at the moment I feel like I'm floating along then a storm will come and the waves are pain from losing you and it gets unbearable and then they pass and I drift along and the last few weeks I have been floating along again the damage is there but it's more peaceful. I never know when the waves or storm will hit me again and how long they will last but I am good at floating through it
But even when the storm is there I hide it from others as I don't want to talk but I like to write and it helps.
Love you char x

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Dear Charlie,
It's been a hard few weeks but I have actually enjoyed staying in your bedroom and it's not anywhere as hard as sorting through your things. I found myself in deep grief at the start of it but soldiered through. Now we face Christmas without you. Charlie I've had a break from Charlie charges on since Greek night, it was consuming me and I will pick up in the new year I promise you. We are planning some big things for next year in memory of you. Know that you are always on my mind little man but I just needed a break to concentrate on the mammoth task of your bedroom. We went to watch star wars in the cinema and I thought of you all the way through. I knew you would have been there with us
I really love and miss you son, love you so much Char.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Dear Charlie,
Sometimes I have a thought, a little thing in my mind. I daydream that you come back. I daydream that someone knocks on the door and say there was a mistake and you are still alive and they were looking after you. I know it's silly but I do sometimes imagine you coming home again and work out scenarios that can get you here. I wonder how your sisters and brother would react and how happy they would be to see you in our home. I imagine hugging you again and kissing your cheek.
I have been trying not to overthink your impending anniversary at the weekend as I don't want to drive myself mad.
It is mad though such complete madness that you have been gone for 5 years. I thought I didn't want to breathe without you but I made it.
You have some flowers in your garden already from people
It makes me so happy to see flowers for your anniversary, that people, no matter how many years still mark it and show they love you
Really miss you Char x